Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
