I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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