Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
