I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
