Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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