sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
