Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
