Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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