Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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