Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize