How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
