i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
