I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Less talking, more tequila
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
