Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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