and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
