Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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