He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
