i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
