I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
