saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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