So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
