Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
