Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
