You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
