i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
