I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
