Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
