thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
