Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
