When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
