I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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