Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
