My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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