this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
