The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
