ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
