you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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