my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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