just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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