Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
