Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
