theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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