Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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