So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
