I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
