he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
