Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
