You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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