is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
