Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
