shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
