Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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