Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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