My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
