I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
