My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
