you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
