for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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